Goodbye Letter

Dear Betty and John (formally known as “Mom” & “Dad”),

I really mean it this time, I’m not coming home. I’ve made up my mind, so don’t try to convince me otherwise, it’ll just be a waste of paper.

You can strip my bedroom walls of my Marvel posters, clear out my closet full of clothes and give them to my best friend, James Peterson. Anything he doesn’t want, you can incinerate and scatter the ashes — I don’t want to leave a single trace of myself. This is very important.

I won’t be needing your cooking and laundry services anymore, either. Or your chauffeur driving, or your telephone and internet plans... Leave the Playstation 5 in a plastic bag outside the front door, and I’ll pick it up at midnight.

Call the school and tell Mr. Burns, they’ve seen the last of Charlie Henry Echlin, and if they ever want to see him again they ought to build him a statue. Underneath it, carve the quote: “School sux.” Make sure they spell it that way. This is also very important.

Tell the neighbors I’ve started a new life as a “Wild Man”. Tell them I live in the woods, and I migrate seasonally from place to place, like a bear or a wolf. That I got tired of all the rules and stipulations laid upon me, and I decided to become totally independent. Tell them I sleep in a hut I built from scratch, and I can light fires and climb trees, and I almost caught a fish earlier today, but instead it was a huge clump of moss. Tell them you can’t eat moss, it makes you really sick.

Lastly, when you read this note, don’t be sad. I can already picture you both huddled in the kitchen crying your eyes out, but don’t do that. I hate it when you do that. It only makes me sad. Since I’ve been out here, I’ve been

thinking about you both a lot more than I thought I would. A little while ago I got really scared because I started to forget what your voices sounded like. I don’t want to forget that.

Maybe, instead of mailing this letter, I’ll just drop it off myself and we can say “hello”. I’ll be in and out so fast you won’t even know I was there. Maybe I’ll stay a little while for a hot dinner. Maybe a shower, too. I could use a shower…

Anyway, it’s kind of funny out here. Turns out it’s pretty boring when there’s no one to rebel against. Maybe I’ll… Maybe I’ll just come home, after all.

Sincerely, Charlie (“The Wild Man”)

P.S. I really miss you.