HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN YOUR TEACHER SAYS, “FIND A PARTNER”

A helpful guide for students who would prefer not to experience complete social disaster.

Finding a partner sounds easy.

It is not.

It is one of the single most dangerous situations a fifth grader can experience, right behind accidentally calling your teacher “Mom” or walking into the wrong classroom mid-lesson.

Luckily, I’ve developed a foolproof system for you to follow in the case of such an emergency.

STEP 1: DO NOT PANIC

Your teacher has just said the words: “Okay, everyone. Find a partner.” Remain calm. DO NOT immediately whip your head around the classroom like a frightened squirrel.

This makes you look desperate. Instead, wait approximately 1.7 seconds. This gives the impression that you have many possible partners and are simply deciding which lucky person will be selected.

WARNING: Do not wait longer than four seconds. After four seconds, everyone will be taken. You’ll look around and discover that somehow even the kid who eats pencil erasers has a partner.

STEP 2: LOCATE YOUR TARGET

Quickly scan the room. Your best friend?Already partnered. Your second-best friend? Already partnered. The kid you sometimes talk to during recess? He’s across the room talking to someone else. Do not take this personally.

You have approximately four seconds before the situation becomes a catastrophe. Choose somebody.

Anybody.

STEP 3: MAKE EYE CONTACT

This is the most important step. You must make eye contact with your desired partner. Once eye contact has been established, perform “The Nod”.

The Nod is a tiny movement of the head that means: You?

If the person nods back, congratulations. You have a partner. If the person looks away, congratulations. You have experienced rejection.

STEP 4: BEWARE OF THE FAKE NOD

Sometimes you will nod at someone. They will nod back. You will begin to walk towards them. But then—Oh God… You realize they were nodding at someone behind you. Not you. Again, stay calm. Simply continue walking past them as if you were heading somewhere else. Perhaps the pencil sharpener.

Sharpen your pencil. Do it, even if your pencil is already sharp. Sharpen it until it is four inches long. Whatever you have to do.

STEP 5: ACTIVATE EMERGENCY MODE

At this point, nearly everyone has a partner. You have entered what experts call: THE RED ZONE.

There are now three unpartnered students remaining: You. A kid named Trevor who has been absent for eleven days with a mystery illness. And someone who appears to be asleep.

Your teacher notices. “Does everyone have a partner?” DO NOT ANSWER. If you stay completely still, your teacher will forget you exist.

STEP 6: ACCEPT YOUR FATE

Your teacher points across the room. “Why don’t you work with Trevor?”

Trevor looks at you. You look at Trevor. Neither of you wanted this. But here you are. Something passes between you both. Respect, maybe. Understanding. No. Survival.

You sit down together. “So…” you say.

“So,” Trevor answers.

STEP 7: DISCOVER TREVOR IS ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL

Within three minutes, you discover that Trevor can make an exquisite fart noise with his elbow.

Within five minutes, he tells you his uncle once got attacked by a moose.

Three minutes later, neither of you has done a single piece of work because Trevor is too busy drawing a picture of your teacher riding said moose into a valley of death.

This is the greatest partnership of your life, you think. Trevor is a legend.

Then a faint voice can be heard across the room. Your teacher cups her mouth with her hand. “Alright,” she says. “Time to switch partners!”

Switch partners?

Trevor looks at you. You look back at Trevor.

“No,” you whisper. But it is too late. The classroom erupts into chaos. Students begin scrambling. Chairs screech. Shoes scuffle. Friendships collapse.

Trevor disappears into the crowd. You may never see him again. But there is only one thing left to do:

Remain calm. Wait 1.7 seconds. And begin again.